I've been resistant to call my self a mother as my arms remain empty, in fact, I had never considered it a proper title fit for me, as I carried the scars of miscarriages or my possible infertility. Im sure many of you can relate? And yet, after a journey into and through my recent trauma, I found the title resonated deeply with a truth I'd failed to see.
A year after my last miscarriage, I was clear that I needed to find my way out of my grief and back to a state of success. I had little appreciation for the importance of sitting with my loss, and i was ready to figure out how to simply get on with my life. As time ticked on however, my tears continued to burn with a deep shame, and no matter what I was achieving, I continued to feel like a failure.
Once I was able to admit to my grief, to name it, and to allow myself the time and presence to recognize that grief is a measure of hope and love lost; I was able to reach for tools to support my healing.
With a courage and determination that was only slightly greater than the depression i felt, I decided to take myself on a guided meditation to heal my loss and the trauma of my last miscarriage. As I settled into my heart and let my intention to heal guide my psyche, I was transported into a full memory of my last miscarriage.
I was transported back to the bathroom... induced labor to pass the demised fetus...
I was cramping, in pain, alone.
I was afraid and my need to be silent echoed in my cells...
I felt the fear, I felt my grief, pain, confusion and loss
I breathed through the suffocated feelings caught in my body, and tasted the shame in failing as a woman.
My meditation continued, and my psyche began to recreate a new story, one from a higher paradigm.
In my mind' eye, I saw my Spirit Baby in my arms, I met him, my Leviah. I held him as my baby and I felt the bond as a mother. Then I watched myself walk away with the Baby in her arms.
"Wait, don't leave me..." I called to myself feeling my heart ache and hot tears run down my cheeks.
"Please don't leave me"... I called out to the image of myself desperate to not be separated.
She turned and looked at me, with my son in her arms,
"You don't need me anymore" she said, "You are a mother now."
And i realized I was saying good by to the maiden-self and welcoming the mother-self.
I am a mother
This meditation was possibly one of the most healing experiences on my journey to acceptance. The truth for me, and I believe all women, is that those who carry a spark of life within them, and even those that hold the dream but remain infertile, are mother's... we are mother's to our Spirit Babies, we have been initiated from the maiden to the mother... we are women and we are whole in our birth, growth and loss.
My grief had been hidden so deeply under the belief that i was not successful and that i needed to prove my worth in the world as a successful woman to disguise my failure as a mother. But I was wrong. As i heard these words "You are a mother" I was able to name my grief, and gift space for my healing to
finally begin.
As I write this, i am still without a living child. Each day I soften from my loss by remembering the truth,
"I conceived a spark of light, I loved deeply, I dared to dream, and I am proud in my heart that I am a mother to my beloved Spirit Baby, Leviah."
